Bright Red

I'm so glad I painted my nails BRIGHT red last night. MAC Shirelle to be exact. It is seriously the most amazing color ever.

Why am I glad? Because I checked my email this morning and saw that I'd recieved a message on Plenty of Fish from the guy who basically was the reason why this blog was started. So my family and friends wouldn't be exposed to the rollercoaster that is dating.

Shirelle is helping me with the confidence to try to handle this with grace and class. Which is hard.

I'm sure I've eluded to the fact that when he suddenly changed his mind I spent two days in bed. I told everyone, "He will come back. He will message me in the future." Every single person brushed it off. My mom might as well have patted me on the top of the head and said "Okay honey." I'm sure they all thought I was just holding out hope that he would change his mind.

Why would I hope that? He seriously hurt me probably worse than anyone ever has. To say everything with us was perfect is close to the case. What we had was a really, really good thing going. I realize all relationships have issues. We moved too fast. He was separated and not even divorced yet. Not like I've even ever wanted to be with anyone who has been married. I've said it before and I will say it again. I would love to find someone who hasn't done the whole thing before. I am so tired of being in relationships where the past haunts my fucking future.

His message was pretty casual. He accused me of peeping his profile (after he looked at mine, see a previous entry) and basically asked what I was doing. I called my mom and of course she was surprised but made a point of saying "You said this would happen." Yes, yes I did. I know what I have to offer.

I knew I wouldn't be able to not respond. I wanted to know what his intentions were. I figured he wouldn't have an answer. I figured he was just bored and who knows. I didn't think there was any intention at all. I just thought he was not thinking. I thought wrong. I got the response that I was expecting the least when I asked why he messaged me.

He wants a second chance.

My response to that was really clear. I feel like I said everything I needed to say while being extremely nice, kind and making it clear that I have to think of myself and try to protect me. I feel like one of the mistakes I made the first time was not being as open as I generally am. I was open to what could happen but my communication skills were maybe lacking. It's kind of unfair to say that too though. Once I realized maybe something wasn't right I did stand up and say something. That's when it ended.

My fear is I don't know the reason why he "didn't see a future with me" the first time and not that he does now but why is he looking to explore it again. He's indicated he misses parts of me but those are parts that my friends get to experience so a friendship might be the way to go. I always thought we could be great friends. At what point do you stop?

He could change his mind again so quickly. I have a really hard time trusting he knows who he is. I hope the last 8 months have taught him that but I personally think it takes longer. I just don't know what changed, if anything really and I am a little afraid to find out. I'm not sure I have the ability for us to just be friends and then another part of me thinks that is all I can handle from him. I didn't expect him to come out and say he wanted to give it another go. I'm a firm believer in the second chance never working and I'm not sure I can take more hurt right now.

I'm really confused.

Picture Tips for Men

A picture is worth a thousand words. We all know this. Through online dating I've had this drilled into my skull, looking at the many pictures of men who are not exactly putting their best foot forward, or face in this case. A picture will make or break you with me...not because of what you look like...it is something more.

Here is my list of common picture faux pas I frequently see:

-You Shirtless: Let me imagine what could be hiding under your tee. Maybe even rock the v-neck to give me a preview like women sometimes give. I really dislike the shirtless picture. It screams "LOW SELF ESTEEM!!" Especially when you are already on a dating site. This is not a turn on in the slightest, I don't need to know what you're workin' with, other than above the shoulders. A physical attraction will happen with your shirt on.

-You in the Mirror of Your Bathroom with Your Camera Phone: Hmmmm. You don't have any pictures of you otherwise? You don't know anyone who could take a picture of you? Why?

-Throwing up Deuces: not the old school hippie peace sign. It is kind of wanna be gangsta, I take myself a lotta too seriously and is especially horrible when you are wearing sunglasses...in the middle of the club. You are not a rapper, producer or anyone important enough to deuce me in your knock offs. Smile and act like life is worth living, not just for acting hard.

-Other Women: This for me is a big no-no. ESPECIALLY if you don't say that it is your sister or cousin or relative. It just gives a bad vibe. I'm interested in you, not what your friends or girlfriends look like. It also isn't cool to post pictures of your children. Quite scary in fact.

-Vehicle: So you drive a monster truck or a BMW. That really isn't you. To post a picture of you in front of your car is strange....unless you are a woman, who is half naked, posing for a magazine (and that is a whole other issue.) It is even worse when it is just your ride. Who cares? This says to me you are materialistic and will judge my car when you see it. Shania comes to mind. It doesn't impress me much.

-Deer heads-Yes. I know it seems like I shouldn't even have to say it. A picture of you holding a buck by the antlers not only makes me want to throw up and move on to the next profile, it also makes me want to express how little I imagine your penis being for feeling the need to show off the fact that you killed an innocent animal with a gun that you are probably not well trained enough to use. This honestly makes me quite sick. Contrary to 500 years ago, I don't need proof that you can support me by providing protection (with your idiot gun) or food (by harming something so innocent) I can just head to the grocery store and pick up a nice meal.

-Beer Bong: Or any bong really. I get it, you are probably younger than I am and drink a bit more than I do but this is a dating site. Why would you post a picture of you even holding a beer bong?

-At the Gym: Why? Okay, you go to the gym, so do I but I really don't need to see what you look like when you are working out.

I will say, with these types of pictures I am able to weed through the duds. Gotta look on the bright side.

On a non-dating related note. Not only is Thanksgiving fast approaching, but so is my birthday!! I will officially be 28. While I am not exactly excited about this getting older thing, since it is Thanksgiving I have a lot to be thankful for. Having a 4 day weekend birthday without having to request any time off is great!

Meat Market

So I have a little crush on the one I met with on Thursday. I did find tea. It was so amazingly fabulous. Maybe I had a crush on the tea. He is physically attractive with a great smile, a voice sent from the gods (I have a thing for a man with a sexy voice) and overall someone I would like to see again/get to know. I feel as though I made it clear I wanted to see him again. We will see, at this point it isn't looking promising. Sad face.

Saturday night I met my sister and her friend out at a bar/club/cougar town. It was the first time I have really been out since I moved here and the first time I've been to a straight persons "meat market" in years. You know the place.....men standing around scouting everything, judging....women wearing too much make-up, hair looking like they are going to prom and skirts up to the coochie. Yeah. Instead of standing, watching my sister drunk as shit...I would have rather sat my happy ass in a corner and people watched. Better yet I would have wanted to just go to a real bar. Made for drinking...not fucking. Apparently the laws do not permit that (something the chef told me Thursday) you have to sell food or a membership to serve liquor. What kind of city is this???

I enjoyed being more than slightly tipsy. I was to be honest, kind of drunk. Not hot mess drunk like my sister...I was able to keep it together. I came home wishing I was who I was a few years ago, skankalicious. I really could have used a good old fashion "Wanna Fuck?" text to some random dude in my phone. I'm glad I didn't but since I had been having the desire, the alcohol just made it worse. I felt as though I needed some kind of validation since at the bar there was this old ass white lady grinding with this fine ass black man...apparently the cougar is in full force in this town. Maybe I should remind myself I have something to look forward to when I am old. Some BBC.

I realized that I have made the right decision to seek dudes on the Internet. It is far less degrading than finding some scuzzy/sleazy/nasty dude at the meat market.

Camera Man Post #1

Flaky! It is amazing how quickly a man can change his mind. This time yesterday I set up a date for this evening with a 38 year old camera man. Yeah, I know over 10 years older isn't exactly what I am looking for but he seemed fun and interesting.

This morning I get a text "I thought my friend's bday party was next week, but it's tonight. Can we plan for early next week? I'm so sorry."

My first thought: Bullshit.

The night before he was ALL about some Semi-Reformed Bad Girl then last night...nothing. If you go from "Oh you are so adorable, I can't wait to spend time together." to nothing the next night. Red Flag. The night before he even in a kind of crazy way said "I believe everything happens for a reason." Wow really? Let's not go there at least until we meet.

I'll allow him to take me out early next week but I'm willing to bet money it never happens.

Sorry, You're Too Skinny

Over the past 24 hours I have had one of the most interesting conversations that I have had in a while. While I try to really not get too down on the fact that people are so concerned with looks it gets really hard when things like this happen. Mind you, I have had my fair share of men. I'm not every dudes cup of tea but a wide variety have found themselves attracted not only mentally but physically. I'm a cute/hot/beautiful/interesting/sweet/kind... woman. Period.


So I am trying to open myself up to different kinds of men, you know we all have our preferences but if I stuck with that I might be limiting myself and really selling myself short. So I went out on a limb and messaged a guy with one picture (usually it's best to be able to see more than one cause, well... you know.) He seemed interesting and I thought we could have some things in common. Not exactly my style guy but that's really okay, there weren't any glaring physical issues that I was just like NO about.


This is the response I get back:


Look at you, lots of checks in my compatibility column. Well done. Here's the thing, and this is all me. I'm pretty much only interested in plus size chicks. I need to go back and mention that in my bio thingy. From what i can tell, you're not plus size...so it's a bit of an issue. With that, you are very attractive and very much my kind of gal.


My initial reaction was "Bullshit." For more than one reason.

Now maybe this is the time when I should mention that I am not small. By any means. Actually considered "plus size" by most standards. A size 14 in fact. Also I have lost 50 pounds, formerly a size 24 and very proud of the physical changes and accomplishments I've made over the last almost 2 years. I have every intention of continuing the trend and losing another at least 30 pounds if not more. You can guess that for a lot of my life I was told "You have a cute face but I'm not into plus size girls." It still stings.


So I asked this guy to define "plus size" for me. Because if you want someone my former size, well that isn't going to happen but again technically I do fall into that category.


The response:


I'm not as superficial as it prob seems, im not super specific. I just find the rubenesque figure more feminine that the typical smaller chick. Just me, it's the curves and softness i guess. I blame this ideal on my figure drawing classes in school. The bigger women were more interesting.


Well, yeah okay. That isn't exactly specific and what you are describing could definitely be me. Curves...check. Softness...as much as I hate to admit it...check. Not a smaller chick....check. Interesting?....Oh fo sho!


At this point I'm still being polite. As offended as I am for not being fat enough (go figure right?) I'm thinking maybe he's just confused. My best friend did indicate my shoulders appear to be much smaller than in the past and most of my pictures are head shots. Most of my weight loss is shown in my face.


Then he wanted proof of my size. ::eye roll:: At this point I remembered why I sent him the first message. Thinking we could get along on a deeper level. Then I remember his first message which starts with "I'm not as superficial as it probably seems." Actually, yeah. This is probably the most superficial man in his 30s I have ever met. I'm thinking, "If you give a mouse a cookie." If he wants to judge me based on how fat or not fat I am, next my fat isn't going to be in the "right" places. That is where I decided to draw the line.

In his next message he accused me of lying about my size. Saying that other women told him they were "plus size" when in fact they weren't. Who does that? Sorry but you haven't shown me you are interesting or good looking enough for me to claim to weigh more than I do, especially after how hard I have worked to lose weight.

It all fell apart from here. Went completely downhill and I was just like okay. We have reached the point of no return. Clearly this is a fetish (which of course he claimed it wasn't..uhhh o-kay) and you have these notions about who I am that clearly aren't going away. Still giggling that the notions involve me being "too skinny."

I feel as though I should add this to my list of "Cons" of online dating. The man who clearly can't see past the physical or is too stubborn to even open his eyes. They claim they don't want to waste their time. Ummm tell me sir, what better do you have to do with your time? You've spent probably more than an hour messaging me at this point. If we meet you have nothing to lose, I pay for myself so there isn't any obligation. Cha-ching you aren't losing money. I make wonderful conversation and have a great time. I haven't had a first date not want a second. Proof is in the pudding asshole. So you spend an hour with someone who isn't physically your type, even though you are attracted to me (still confused) you aren't losing or wasting anything. Shallowness at it's finest.

I have the last laugh in this case because clearly he would have fallen in love if we'd met. Sucka.