Change

Sooooo ready for things to change. I am really tired of seeing the same busted ass people on these lame dating sites. I so need to focus on myself. I feel like physically I am falling apart. How is this possible? In the past things were so together.

I just keep thinking of the things I need to do for myself. I also know the more I work on me the more likely "he" is to come along. I am not in any shape to be the proper girlfriend right now.

Which is why I want to be one so badly. I suspect.

Untitled v1.0

My sister is a mom. I am obviously not. She posted on Facebook that they are having a play date.

All I could think was "I'd like a play date right about now." And I definitely mean with a grown man.

Thinking of going to the dog park to find a play date tonight.

Whoa.

I kind of called the outcome of my brief "second chance" with the teacher. Dude has not changed. Not only has he not changed he totally did the EXACT same thing he did the last time.


Obviously we had plans on Friday night. After Thursday he wanted to get together and I said no. I typed that huge post and not long after he sent me a text that said "no go tonight. I have to be up early in the morning for graduation." As I've mentioned. He's a teacher (which only makes the idea of having kids in general even scarier if he is going to be the one molding their minds. Yikes!) sooooo before the school year even ended LAST year BEFORE we even met you knew when graduation THIS year was going to be.


I knew immediately it was a kiss off. I had a mix of emotions. I was hurt and rightfully so. I didn't message him asking for a second chance, he messaged me. Relief because well obviously nothing changed and it would have been even harder to have met up with him and then had it go oh so wrong. He called it a second chance, he said he "threw away something good." Then less than 24 hours later. This.


I was fairly nice in my response: "I honestly have no clue why you would contact me if you have no desire to make any effort. I thought you would have thought through what you were doing. You must really have no respect for me or how I feel. You can't honestly think I believe you didn't know about graduation before now?"


He NEVER responded.


What I wanted to say was: "You MIGHT be the biggest piece of shit I've ever met. Almost more of a dick than the dude who told me he had AIDS, yes AIDS after we had sex. I would highly recommend some serious medication to deal with whatever issues you have."


Really when I think about it while I care, I am SO happy we will never have any contact with each other ever again. There is no way he is stupid enough to try to message me again. If he is, I'm not stupid enough to respond.


I am pretty amazed that someone who can seem so normal on the outside is so fucked up on the inside. It kind of scares me and makes me really hope the right guy comes along soon because I'm not sure I can take much more of these emotionally unstable men.


This was a good experience. After 8 months of being single after the whole thing with him I still questioned what I'd done to cause this. I no longer will ever take any fault in why he treated me the way he did. There is nothing wrong with me at all. Obviously we aren't right for one another but it really is deeper than that. When he said "I don't see a future with you," that statement implies there is something wrong with ME. It takes the blame off of him completely and in reality the reason why there is no future is because of him, his instability  and lack of concern for anyone other than himself. I am even stronger than I was a week ago because I will NEVER question my role in our break up since I happened to be an innocent bystander. Like a child witness/victim in a drive by shooting.


I am all for taking responsibility for your own actions but I fucking refuse to take responsibility for his or any other man who doesn't have the ability to truly love himself and others.


This was the closure I needed to move on. I will never wonder what might have been.


Plus I can't lie. I LOVE the fact that he clearly felt there was enough to attempt for a second chance. Boy do I hope for the rest of his life he thinks of me as the one that got away. Because let's be real. I am.

The Teacher

So apparently I thought I'd made reference to the guy who decided to randomly contact me yesterday but I guess not! I feel good that I have been looking towards the future and not so much the past. I noticed I talked about "the ex" who is my long term relationship. The philosopher. The one who I have been in contact with since we broke up. We are friends. This is a different guy. 


He is the teacher.


My other blog documents our quick rise to relationship status and even quicker fall to him breaking up with me.


I'll give a quick (or not so) refresher for those who don't know me in real life. We met, had a great time. Our first date was great. Our second was the next day. The third the day after that. After the third in I was calling my friends on the verge of crying because I couldn't understand why he hadn't kissed me. Why he wouldn't touch me. Why he moved away from me each time I got anywhere near him. Why did he give me a half hug when I left his place that night. Is he gay?? That night he texted me making sure I got home okay and saying that he was "traditional" or something like that. Which explained it for me. Then the next night he asked if he could stay over. This still makes me laugh. He is THE best cuddler I have ever met in my entire life. There literally were times after I got dumped when I almost contacted him to ask him to come over just to cuddle.


I was working a lot, spending a lot of time with him and getting really lost in a great new thing that we had going. A few weeks in I had a weekend off (which at the time was rare) and we decided to take a mini vacay to the beach. The ride down was great. I could tell the woman at the front desk at the hotel thought we were too cute. There were SO many things about that trip that were great on day one. The big one came sitting on a bar stool in a little beach bar when he asked me to be his lady. It seriously was everything you think of when you picture the perfect beginning of an amazing love story.


I didn't NEED him, I WANTED him. We got along great. I tend to be easy to argue with, there was none of that. I was so happy. We were so normal. (Which is rare for me.) I trusted him. I rarely second guessed what we had. I have HUGE anxiety issues and relationships bring this out in me even more. We were so seriously great together.


Then it happened. The night we got back from the beach, he stayed with me. The night after he didn't and then the next night he did. Same as usual, he brought his guitar, his journals and borrowed my CDs. He kissed me when he left for work and told me we would see each other later. The night before I was feeling a little strange. He was kind of curt with me and I couldn't figure out why.


After he left I read through some of his journal entries. There were a few dated not long before we met where his feelings seemed pretty deep for at least two other chicks. None about me. I started to question for almost the first time. I felt as though I was justified and really thought he left them out so that I would read them. He should have put them in his guitar case. I wouldn't have read them then. They were on MY coffee table. I think I even heard one say "Read me!"


So I texted him. Saying something to the effect of "I get the impression you want to be in a relationship but not with me specifically." He called and said yes and that assumption was right. My chest started to feel kind of tight. When I asked why he said it was because he didn't see a future with me. Tighter. I went home early that day from work. There were times I felt like I couldn't breathe. Spent the day in bed not eating anything. That night he came into my apartment, picked up his stuff and I didn't even know he'd been there. I tried to call to see when he was coming over and he didn't answer. Then I went out to my living room to see his stuff replaced by mine. I called again. He answered. I questioned why he didn't even bother to say goodbye. He said he thought it was how I wanted it. To be honest it kind of was but only because I wanted to make it harder for him to have to say good bye. My little "plan" backfired. I was really upset probably asked some more questions and then he said "I gotta go," and hung up.


I spent another day in bed, not eating. Weeks after that looking and feeling like a zombie. The way my family looked at me is something I never want to experience again. I don't even think I could describe it. I texted him a few times telling him I'd like to try to work it out. No response.


I don't know how long it took. I cried a lot. Randomly. I'd think I was getting better and then all of the sudden I couldn't breathe again. It was hard. In our relationship I felt the best I'd ever felt as part of a couple and then the mountain that I was standing on with my partner was pulled out from under me by the same person I was standing on top with. Then I was the lowest I had ever been after a relationship. I took him out of my phone. Checking his FB every so often to see the wall posts. (Which I was able to do for 8 months until this morning...strange.)


Now he says he wants a second chance.


A friend today said "If he wants one then he has to earn it." Damn straight. I'm just not sure he does actually want it and I don't know if I can find out one way or another. I am putting myself at risk.


We are supposed to get drinks tonight. I think that was his attempt at casual hanging out which is what I kind of indicated I wanted to begin with. I hope he realizes that he will have some questions to answer. I just need to hear him explain things. I don't even know if I know the right questions to ask. I just want to know why, what changed and just try to understand. I really need him to give me more than just "I feel like I threw away something good." Why. I'm not any different than I was. I'm the same person. If you didn't see a future with me then, what changed with you? That is the only way anything will be different. I made it clear it would be really unfair to do it to me again. He then gave me a "take it or leave it response" which I take major issue with. Dude, you fucked up. Not me. I am willing to see what happens but you aren't going to act like in some way I have to take what you are saying and just straight up trust you.

There are 3 ways this could go:
-We won't end up even meeting. He won't send me a message and it dissolves with everything that happened yesterday. I go back to trying to forget him, which now would be even harder.

-We get together and he just acts like an ass. Even if he doesn't act like an ass if he just doesn't give me the answers I need to move forward with where we would go next with the whole thing.

-Things easily fall back into what we had. He is as easy to be around as he used to be. He says all the right things and it's like very little happened.

I am not delusional and I definitely don't think the third will happen but part of me wants to stay open to it.

I'm seriously so nervous I could puke. Thankfully I know what I am wearing if it actually happens.

Bright Red

I'm so glad I painted my nails BRIGHT red last night. MAC Shirelle to be exact. It is seriously the most amazing color ever.

Why am I glad? Because I checked my email this morning and saw that I'd recieved a message on Plenty of Fish from the guy who basically was the reason why this blog was started. So my family and friends wouldn't be exposed to the rollercoaster that is dating.

Shirelle is helping me with the confidence to try to handle this with grace and class. Which is hard.

I'm sure I've eluded to the fact that when he suddenly changed his mind I spent two days in bed. I told everyone, "He will come back. He will message me in the future." Every single person brushed it off. My mom might as well have patted me on the top of the head and said "Okay honey." I'm sure they all thought I was just holding out hope that he would change his mind.

Why would I hope that? He seriously hurt me probably worse than anyone ever has. To say everything with us was perfect is close to the case. What we had was a really, really good thing going. I realize all relationships have issues. We moved too fast. He was separated and not even divorced yet. Not like I've even ever wanted to be with anyone who has been married. I've said it before and I will say it again. I would love to find someone who hasn't done the whole thing before. I am so tired of being in relationships where the past haunts my fucking future.

His message was pretty casual. He accused me of peeping his profile (after he looked at mine, see a previous entry) and basically asked what I was doing. I called my mom and of course she was surprised but made a point of saying "You said this would happen." Yes, yes I did. I know what I have to offer.

I knew I wouldn't be able to not respond. I wanted to know what his intentions were. I figured he wouldn't have an answer. I figured he was just bored and who knows. I didn't think there was any intention at all. I just thought he was not thinking. I thought wrong. I got the response that I was expecting the least when I asked why he messaged me.

He wants a second chance.

My response to that was really clear. I feel like I said everything I needed to say while being extremely nice, kind and making it clear that I have to think of myself and try to protect me. I feel like one of the mistakes I made the first time was not being as open as I generally am. I was open to what could happen but my communication skills were maybe lacking. It's kind of unfair to say that too though. Once I realized maybe something wasn't right I did stand up and say something. That's when it ended.

My fear is I don't know the reason why he "didn't see a future with me" the first time and not that he does now but why is he looking to explore it again. He's indicated he misses parts of me but those are parts that my friends get to experience so a friendship might be the way to go. I always thought we could be great friends. At what point do you stop?

He could change his mind again so quickly. I have a really hard time trusting he knows who he is. I hope the last 8 months have taught him that but I personally think it takes longer. I just don't know what changed, if anything really and I am a little afraid to find out. I'm not sure I have the ability for us to just be friends and then another part of me thinks that is all I can handle from him. I didn't expect him to come out and say he wanted to give it another go. I'm a firm believer in the second chance never working and I'm not sure I can take more hurt right now.

I'm really confused.