The Teacher

So apparently I thought I'd made reference to the guy who decided to randomly contact me yesterday but I guess not! I feel good that I have been looking towards the future and not so much the past. I noticed I talked about "the ex" who is my long term relationship. The philosopher. The one who I have been in contact with since we broke up. We are friends. This is a different guy. 


He is the teacher.


My other blog documents our quick rise to relationship status and even quicker fall to him breaking up with me.


I'll give a quick (or not so) refresher for those who don't know me in real life. We met, had a great time. Our first date was great. Our second was the next day. The third the day after that. After the third in I was calling my friends on the verge of crying because I couldn't understand why he hadn't kissed me. Why he wouldn't touch me. Why he moved away from me each time I got anywhere near him. Why did he give me a half hug when I left his place that night. Is he gay?? That night he texted me making sure I got home okay and saying that he was "traditional" or something like that. Which explained it for me. Then the next night he asked if he could stay over. This still makes me laugh. He is THE best cuddler I have ever met in my entire life. There literally were times after I got dumped when I almost contacted him to ask him to come over just to cuddle.


I was working a lot, spending a lot of time with him and getting really lost in a great new thing that we had going. A few weeks in I had a weekend off (which at the time was rare) and we decided to take a mini vacay to the beach. The ride down was great. I could tell the woman at the front desk at the hotel thought we were too cute. There were SO many things about that trip that were great on day one. The big one came sitting on a bar stool in a little beach bar when he asked me to be his lady. It seriously was everything you think of when you picture the perfect beginning of an amazing love story.


I didn't NEED him, I WANTED him. We got along great. I tend to be easy to argue with, there was none of that. I was so happy. We were so normal. (Which is rare for me.) I trusted him. I rarely second guessed what we had. I have HUGE anxiety issues and relationships bring this out in me even more. We were so seriously great together.


Then it happened. The night we got back from the beach, he stayed with me. The night after he didn't and then the next night he did. Same as usual, he brought his guitar, his journals and borrowed my CDs. He kissed me when he left for work and told me we would see each other later. The night before I was feeling a little strange. He was kind of curt with me and I couldn't figure out why.


After he left I read through some of his journal entries. There were a few dated not long before we met where his feelings seemed pretty deep for at least two other chicks. None about me. I started to question for almost the first time. I felt as though I was justified and really thought he left them out so that I would read them. He should have put them in his guitar case. I wouldn't have read them then. They were on MY coffee table. I think I even heard one say "Read me!"


So I texted him. Saying something to the effect of "I get the impression you want to be in a relationship but not with me specifically." He called and said yes and that assumption was right. My chest started to feel kind of tight. When I asked why he said it was because he didn't see a future with me. Tighter. I went home early that day from work. There were times I felt like I couldn't breathe. Spent the day in bed not eating anything. That night he came into my apartment, picked up his stuff and I didn't even know he'd been there. I tried to call to see when he was coming over and he didn't answer. Then I went out to my living room to see his stuff replaced by mine. I called again. He answered. I questioned why he didn't even bother to say goodbye. He said he thought it was how I wanted it. To be honest it kind of was but only because I wanted to make it harder for him to have to say good bye. My little "plan" backfired. I was really upset probably asked some more questions and then he said "I gotta go," and hung up.


I spent another day in bed, not eating. Weeks after that looking and feeling like a zombie. The way my family looked at me is something I never want to experience again. I don't even think I could describe it. I texted him a few times telling him I'd like to try to work it out. No response.


I don't know how long it took. I cried a lot. Randomly. I'd think I was getting better and then all of the sudden I couldn't breathe again. It was hard. In our relationship I felt the best I'd ever felt as part of a couple and then the mountain that I was standing on with my partner was pulled out from under me by the same person I was standing on top with. Then I was the lowest I had ever been after a relationship. I took him out of my phone. Checking his FB every so often to see the wall posts. (Which I was able to do for 8 months until this morning...strange.)


Now he says he wants a second chance.


A friend today said "If he wants one then he has to earn it." Damn straight. I'm just not sure he does actually want it and I don't know if I can find out one way or another. I am putting myself at risk.


We are supposed to get drinks tonight. I think that was his attempt at casual hanging out which is what I kind of indicated I wanted to begin with. I hope he realizes that he will have some questions to answer. I just need to hear him explain things. I don't even know if I know the right questions to ask. I just want to know why, what changed and just try to understand. I really need him to give me more than just "I feel like I threw away something good." Why. I'm not any different than I was. I'm the same person. If you didn't see a future with me then, what changed with you? That is the only way anything will be different. I made it clear it would be really unfair to do it to me again. He then gave me a "take it or leave it response" which I take major issue with. Dude, you fucked up. Not me. I am willing to see what happens but you aren't going to act like in some way I have to take what you are saying and just straight up trust you.

There are 3 ways this could go:
-We won't end up even meeting. He won't send me a message and it dissolves with everything that happened yesterday. I go back to trying to forget him, which now would be even harder.

-We get together and he just acts like an ass. Even if he doesn't act like an ass if he just doesn't give me the answers I need to move forward with where we would go next with the whole thing.

-Things easily fall back into what we had. He is as easy to be around as he used to be. He says all the right things and it's like very little happened.

I am not delusional and I definitely don't think the third will happen but part of me wants to stay open to it.

I'm seriously so nervous I could puke. Thankfully I know what I am wearing if it actually happens.