Bright Red

I'm so glad I painted my nails BRIGHT red last night. MAC Shirelle to be exact. It is seriously the most amazing color ever.

Why am I glad? Because I checked my email this morning and saw that I'd recieved a message on Plenty of Fish from the guy who basically was the reason why this blog was started. So my family and friends wouldn't be exposed to the rollercoaster that is dating.

Shirelle is helping me with the confidence to try to handle this with grace and class. Which is hard.

I'm sure I've eluded to the fact that when he suddenly changed his mind I spent two days in bed. I told everyone, "He will come back. He will message me in the future." Every single person brushed it off. My mom might as well have patted me on the top of the head and said "Okay honey." I'm sure they all thought I was just holding out hope that he would change his mind.

Why would I hope that? He seriously hurt me probably worse than anyone ever has. To say everything with us was perfect is close to the case. What we had was a really, really good thing going. I realize all relationships have issues. We moved too fast. He was separated and not even divorced yet. Not like I've even ever wanted to be with anyone who has been married. I've said it before and I will say it again. I would love to find someone who hasn't done the whole thing before. I am so tired of being in relationships where the past haunts my fucking future.

His message was pretty casual. He accused me of peeping his profile (after he looked at mine, see a previous entry) and basically asked what I was doing. I called my mom and of course she was surprised but made a point of saying "You said this would happen." Yes, yes I did. I know what I have to offer.

I knew I wouldn't be able to not respond. I wanted to know what his intentions were. I figured he wouldn't have an answer. I figured he was just bored and who knows. I didn't think there was any intention at all. I just thought he was not thinking. I thought wrong. I got the response that I was expecting the least when I asked why he messaged me.

He wants a second chance.

My response to that was really clear. I feel like I said everything I needed to say while being extremely nice, kind and making it clear that I have to think of myself and try to protect me. I feel like one of the mistakes I made the first time was not being as open as I generally am. I was open to what could happen but my communication skills were maybe lacking. It's kind of unfair to say that too though. Once I realized maybe something wasn't right I did stand up and say something. That's when it ended.

My fear is I don't know the reason why he "didn't see a future with me" the first time and not that he does now but why is he looking to explore it again. He's indicated he misses parts of me but those are parts that my friends get to experience so a friendship might be the way to go. I always thought we could be great friends. At what point do you stop?

He could change his mind again so quickly. I have a really hard time trusting he knows who he is. I hope the last 8 months have taught him that but I personally think it takes longer. I just don't know what changed, if anything really and I am a little afraid to find out. I'm not sure I have the ability for us to just be friends and then another part of me thinks that is all I can handle from him. I didn't expect him to come out and say he wanted to give it another go. I'm a firm believer in the second chance never working and I'm not sure I can take more hurt right now.

I'm really confused.