This post has nothing to do with dating at all and everything to do with drinking. I drink almost better than I date and boy do I date well, or so it's been decided. I'm a professional at both.
Speaking of professional. Currently my big girl job is in the travel industry so I hear a lot of crazy travel stories and the most recent that I heard yesterday was about the dude who was so drunk on a plane that he pissed on an 11 year old girl.
My first thought, perv. Who has ever been drunk enough to piss not in a place that resembles a bathroom or parking lot and on a little girl? No. Sorry. I have a really hard time believe this fucking story. Dude is a total perv. I've been really drunk and the worst place I pissed, parking lot with fat ass facing main road in town where cops, drunks, drug addicts and homeless could see. It was a quick drop of the pants (which I'm sure were tight) and squat in said tight pants then all in one swift move I stood up, pulling up my pants to hop in the car and button/zip. Haven't we all done that? Okay. How many of you have pissed on an 11 year old in a plane. Thought so.
Well the story was brought up again today at work, of course we have nothing else to talk about. Fuck world peace and crumbling societies. Ha. The new news today was that he was 18 and why did they let him on the plane? Where did he get his alcohol from? To answer the latter question...where do most 18 year olds get their alcohol from? This really shouldn't even be a question. As to the second question I have a very simple answer. While he may be a perv, he's a professional.
It reminded me of a few months ago for a friends birthday we were so drunk. We both have very small bladders and couldn't make it to the bar to pee. Her boyfriend at the time was driving, sober but still letting us call the shots. On the right hand side came the ER to the local hospital downtown. It's a well respected place apparently. He drives up to the little men in the ticket place who tell us the large men at the front door need to approve our using of the bathroom. I'm not exactly one who likes needing approval. Even in my drunken state (I swear I'm smarter when I shit faced) I realized the men in the little booth and the men at the front didn't speak. Plus my friend is wearing a short sequin skirt. So we walk in. Hello sirs. Then we walk to the front desk, I politely ask where their restroom is and proceed to do what we came to do, no approval needed. As we walk out, "Have a nice evening."
That is how you are let on a plane drunk as fuck. Again it's called professional. Swagger. When I'm drunk, I've got it.
Friday, August 12, 2011
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Define Date....
Date means he pays? Yeah that's what most people thing. Not I since I seriously LOATHE the term date. Too much pressure and it never lives up to what a date implies. I never want to go on a "date" again. Can we please just hang out with no pressure? I am so tired of pressure. Every single time a man calls it a date, we get along just fine but nothing great.
Which brings me to Wednesday. The sushi was great. Can't wait to have some again. The company was nice enough. If you read my last post it was pretty obvious I wasn't exactly feeling the entire situation. The week before (when we were originally supposed to meet) I had a little bump in the road that occurred and have kind of been set back physically. Which is really shitty.
He talked a lot about his IBS. Yes. Along with the colonoscopy that went with diagnosing it. Wish I was joking. It proved to me why I don't date men in their 30s who are what I call the "closer to 40 crowd." They are so into themselves and will say just about anything even if it really isn't appropriate dinner conversation. I would normally think the talk was to deter me from any sort of attraction BUT he mentioned IBS in his profile. Seriously? I thought once it was out we could get over the "I sometimes have to run to the bathroom after eating" conversation. Apparently I was wrong. My mom was like "doesn't everyone know not to talk about health problems on a date?" Mom, no. These mother fuckers are crazy.
Overall he seemed like a nice enough guy. Just a little self absorbed. Which I kind of expected. He really didn't give a shit about me. At all. Which might have been fine. We could have been friends but I move on from that fact pretty quickly when our post-date emails are boring and no questions are directed at me at all. Love it when a man says he is attracted to independent women but yet his life is so set in stone no actual independent woman could ever fit in.
So I move on. Hoping on Sunday morning to run into the man from Trader Joes. Yeah. It's a sickness. Not sure if I mentioned I know his first name. Sigh. My sickness gets slapped in the face when he isn't there AND I see a dude who I went out with a couple times with his who I can only assume is his girlfriend. He and I weren't a match either but I looked like shit...all hungover and I REALLY didn't want to have to say hello. I made a point of facing the other direction and as I was walking out I saw him tattoo verify it was me with a glance down at my foot. I bet we both had the same thought....dodged that bullet.
I was happy to see the chick he was with looked like the type I imagine him with. Almost like they could be related. One of THOSE couples. However I didn't see her as the type to indulge in his lingerie fetish and she wasn't wearing yoga pants like he likes. haha. Men.
Which brings me to Wednesday. The sushi was great. Can't wait to have some again. The company was nice enough. If you read my last post it was pretty obvious I wasn't exactly feeling the entire situation. The week before (when we were originally supposed to meet) I had a little bump in the road that occurred and have kind of been set back physically. Which is really shitty.
He talked a lot about his IBS. Yes. Along with the colonoscopy that went with diagnosing it. Wish I was joking. It proved to me why I don't date men in their 30s who are what I call the "closer to 40 crowd." They are so into themselves and will say just about anything even if it really isn't appropriate dinner conversation. I would normally think the talk was to deter me from any sort of attraction BUT he mentioned IBS in his profile. Seriously? I thought once it was out we could get over the "I sometimes have to run to the bathroom after eating" conversation. Apparently I was wrong. My mom was like "doesn't everyone know not to talk about health problems on a date?" Mom, no. These mother fuckers are crazy.
Overall he seemed like a nice enough guy. Just a little self absorbed. Which I kind of expected. He really didn't give a shit about me. At all. Which might have been fine. We could have been friends but I move on from that fact pretty quickly when our post-date emails are boring and no questions are directed at me at all. Love it when a man says he is attracted to independent women but yet his life is so set in stone no actual independent woman could ever fit in.
So I move on. Hoping on Sunday morning to run into the man from Trader Joes. Yeah. It's a sickness. Not sure if I mentioned I know his first name. Sigh. My sickness gets slapped in the face when he isn't there AND I see a dude who I went out with a couple times with his who I can only assume is his girlfriend. He and I weren't a match either but I looked like shit...all hungover and I REALLY didn't want to have to say hello. I made a point of facing the other direction and as I was walking out I saw him tattoo verify it was me with a glance down at my foot. I bet we both had the same thought....dodged that bullet.
I was happy to see the chick he was with looked like the type I imagine him with. Almost like they could be related. One of THOSE couples. However I didn't see her as the type to indulge in his lingerie fetish and she wasn't wearing yoga pants like he likes. haha. Men.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
The Fuck Friend
So my upcoming "date" tonight makes me think that it would just be easier to find someone to have sex with and be a spinster fo lyfe. I'm so over tonight and it hasn't even started. Yeah, I've got a bad attitude, what's it to you? I just don't like the idea of meeting someone for one of my favorite meals wearing a new outfit that I got for the occasion and then having to control the conversation because we have no connection. I have no hope for tonight. It's been a while since I've been out and some non-dating related life setbacks have put me in a shitty mood.
He seems nice enough. We will probably get along just fine. I'm just not feeling like myself.
A friend and I were talking about how we should start taking applications for men to have sex with. The list of qualifications you MUST have to just have sex with me is so much longer in the looks department than those who I will date. Dating I'm a little more open. If I'm only going to see you with your clothes off...best if you are the hottest man alive.
Another friend suggested I blog these requirements. She has good ideas.
-At least 6 feet tall
-A well proportioned dick. The length and girth have to work together. No pencil dicks or choads.
-Skinny or fit body MAYBE I will extend a special invitation to those who are not as fit if they offer something else.
-Attractive face
-Has to be open sexually but not obsessed with anal or threesomes
-Preferably dark hair
-Has to make me feel like the sexiest woman alive
-Must be willing to cuddle properly afterwards
Special consideration given to those with:
-Access to great wines or someone who makes amazing cocktails
-Tattoos
-Amazing oral skills
-If you have a cute dog that I can borrow (for NON sexual purposes of course)
-You are awesome and might actually want a relationship
A girl can dream.
He seems nice enough. We will probably get along just fine. I'm just not feeling like myself.
A friend and I were talking about how we should start taking applications for men to have sex with. The list of qualifications you MUST have to just have sex with me is so much longer in the looks department than those who I will date. Dating I'm a little more open. If I'm only going to see you with your clothes off...best if you are the hottest man alive.
Another friend suggested I blog these requirements. She has good ideas.
-At least 6 feet tall
-A well proportioned dick. The length and girth have to work together. No pencil dicks or choads.
-Skinny or fit body MAYBE I will extend a special invitation to those who are not as fit if they offer something else.
-Attractive face
-Has to be open sexually but not obsessed with anal or threesomes
-Preferably dark hair
-Has to make me feel like the sexiest woman alive
-Must be willing to cuddle properly afterwards
Special consideration given to those with:
-Access to great wines or someone who makes amazing cocktails
-Tattoos
-Amazing oral skills
-If you have a cute dog that I can borrow (for NON sexual purposes of course)
-You are awesome and might actually want a relationship
A girl can dream.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Sushi Date
Wednesday there is a sushi date planned with a guy from OKCupid. I hate calling it a date. I hate that I kind of have a crush on him and I hate that I am already doubting myself. I hate that I have been looking for the perfect outfit when in reality nothing will be "perfect."
I feel like I have put my foot in my mouth recently with him. Given too much information. I should close up a little most likely. Let him figure things out on his own. I don't think I am fit to be in a relationship. Probably best to give up. haha. Be alone with the dogs forever and be a spinster. Lovely.
I'll report on how Wednesday goes.
I feel like I have put my foot in my mouth recently with him. Given too much information. I should close up a little most likely. Let him figure things out on his own. I don't think I am fit to be in a relationship. Probably best to give up. haha. Be alone with the dogs forever and be a spinster. Lovely.
I'll report on how Wednesday goes.
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