Oh For The Lack of Sex!!

My mom frequently tries to remind me that my "depression" or what I prefer to call just "times when I want to do nothing" is because I don't eat properly or because I am not getting to the gym enough. Yes, mom, you are right...most of the time. Right now though, it's because I'm not having sex. Not only am I not having sex but I am having horrible, uncomfortable dates with men who have nothing to offer! I at least need a mini relationship so I can get a little lovin and to regain a sense of love being out there.

I am finding the same thing over and over again here. Men who are nice, most in school or with an education, they love their family, don't have kids. There are downsides...many of them have just gotten out of relationships. They are confused and if I had to guess, lonely. I don't exactly do well with lonely. I'm not lonely.

I had a coffee thing with a guy who lives really close and we have a fair amount in common. (I have a fair amount in common with them all if you haven't noticed. Probably because I'm well rounded...what what!) He was recently dumped by a really plain looking girl who he was really interested in. Great. So we meet and in the middle of the coffee thing he seems more interested in this table of two women and not in a people watching way. Dude, come on. At least for an hour get to know me. So we haven't talked since then even though he made a point of saying "I will get in touch with you and I'd like to do this again." Don't say it if you don't mean it. So annoying.

The next day I went to a local college basketball game with the Econ guy. I need to stop hanging out with him until we get it straight that we are just friends. Maybe he finally gets it. I haven't figured it out yet. He gave me this strange hug when I got out of my car. Plus I really don't like the fact that he is a smoker. (But it's okay if those neighbor guys are. haha)

This is leading up to there being a dude who I am actually interested in, prior to meeting or anything. He doesn't seem scared to leave the state and appears to actually be doing something with life other than wanting a cushy job in a high rise, he has taken a risk. Made an independent film. Yes, you heard me right...how sexy is that? You can see why prior to our first meeting I am interested. I prefer men who could "do better" than me. I can't imagine I will be able to hold his interest for too long but I am sure as shit going to give it a shot.

A friend of mine has been having issues giving up a relationship with a dude that treats her so bad. She clearly deserves better but puts up with it because of who he is and their "connection." Since I have been there, done that I was thinking about how common it is for women to date the Connection Guy. I'll have to do an entire post on this theory and the fucked of nature of a relationship with the Connection Guy but I have decided I don't want to date another.

2 Smokin Hot Smokers

As a former smoker, I kind of ...hmmmm. Well not only do I notice smoke quite a bit but I also still find something about smoking to be super appealing and kind of sexy. I don't want to be a smoker again. I just want to play with fire, so to speak...every so often. Am I aware smoking isn't sexy? Yes. Do I care? Not really.

There are these two hotties that live in my apartment complex, one in the same building and the other a building over. I find them to both be very sexy and kind of strange. I am stalking them both. They both smoke.

I have put together information I have gathered about the one who lives the building over from what I have observed since I moved in. He drives a BMW and when I first noticed him, he was with a little blonde quite a bit. I also noticed on his nice car a sticker for a local cult...church. Not into the church type. Well she stopped hanging around and the sticker came off of the car. He appears to have a job that he travels a lot for and he has a strange haircut. It's almost too rounded in the back. He seems to spend a lot of time on it, product and such. He smokes before heading to work, outside of his car. Sometimes I want to stand there with him and the dogs, smoking before work. I also wouldn't mind taking a puff of his....well. You can assume.

The second on is new. My assigned spot is right in front of his patio. The dogs and I almost ran into him the other day, he's really cute. Tall. YUM! I like looking into his apartment. I think he should keep his blinds closed. He also smokes outside but what seems to be the most curious is the fact that when someone comes outside he ducks down where no one can see him. WTF? IF you are going to closet smoke, you might want to do it in your home. I don't fully understand.

I'd like to take both of these guys for a spin then have a smoke afterwards. Convenient fucks.

I have a coffee "date" tonight. I have reservations to say the least. These bastards are driving me nuts.

Black Pearl

Yes, I realize this is not my usual blog but shit, yesterday I received a purchase in the mail that I am so in love with! Black Pearl perfume from Lush. They sold it for a day. They only made as much as was ordered. I am in love with it. So sexy and dark. One bottle will not last as long as I need it to. I'm fucked. Thankfully for Christmas I am getting Jean Paul Gaultier Classique. It is new to me as well. I miss my Dior Miss Cherie but I wanted to expand just a bit. See if I can get any positive reactions from these other options.

So OKCupid is so hilarious. Every man on there either plays music or takes pictures. It would be the perfect place to put a band of hot men together. The semi date didn't happen. We talk every day. I have no clue what's going on and I kind of don't care. I'd like to meet him but there are so many hot dudes out there!!

Last week I got a text at 3 in the morning. Thankfully, I didn't actually see that it came through until I woke up. All it said was "*E*?" The number wasn't familiar so I googled the area code. El Paso. I used to know a dude in El Paso. Years ago. He was a piece of shit. I'd long forgotten about him. He was texting me. WHY?????? Why me? Ugh!

He tried to play coy when I pretended I didn't know who Nick was. I acted like a bitch. He said "Look, I wanted to talk to you. Obviously my timing is priceless, but needless to say, I have had you on my mind." Ugh again. Really? Especially when you say "Look." Don't look me, asshole.

Some highlights:
-I helped form him into who he is (please if you are a shitty person..don't tell someone that.)
-He went through a whole bunch of bullshit and said through the entire thing he thought about me (Ew)
-He now has the opportunity to "make real the deals we arranged" Yeah. He means picking up where we left off and trying to work out a relationship

I just really found it all to be quite disturbing. Sometimes you should just drop something. When you have fucked up more than once and gone years without talking to someone, it's probably best to keep it that way. Back in the day I wasn't too good for you. These days, you don't deserve the person I have become. Thank you, please move on.

Proof Internet world, that they always come back. Always.

All I Want for Christmas

Really this isn't true but it sure would be nice to have someone to cuddle with this winter. It is getting damn cold in this city! I go back and forth on my apparent desperation, as I am not desperate at all but then again yeah it's possible I am.

I joined OK Cupid after reading another blog and I'm like shit fire!! Where did all these men come from. What a selection compared to Plenty of Fish! Hot boys, baby you've got what I want. They also seem less creeptastic and more normal. Sure, what is normal anyway but closer to the type of normal I'm looking for. I even have semi plans with one this weekend.

I feel very strongly that the Economics dude should have no feelings for me. It was made totally clear when we first got in touch that he wasn't looking for a relationship. Now I can barely enjoy our time together hanging out because he's acting all into me. I just don't like it.

Bitch Fest #1 & HTB Letter

The #1 is a must since I imagine there will be more to come. I really don't know what the fuck happened but I am so bored/tired/irritated/pissy/bitchy/hating this whole single, seeking something more situation that I am in. The whole idea of meeting people is bullshit. It is especially stupid when you are harboring nonsensical feelings for some dude you really don't know. What have I become?

I believe part of this anger/resentment towards the entire process (which btw is kind of a large part of most every ones life) comes from the fact that first off, it's hard (and I work hard at so much) but for some people it seems to come easily. No this has nothing to do with looks or whatever shit you think I might blame it on. Some people are just blessed OR I guess we can also say maybe they have settled. It isn't for me to judge one way or another but if you are leading a life that appears to be perfect on the outside, I will assume as much. I'm having a pity party. I feel like there are a lot of things in life that have been hard, why does this have to be as well? The second reason is my best friend shared in her "blog reading list" a girl who writes letters to her "HTB" which stands for: Husband to Be. Now, there is more to the story as there isn't an actual husband to be, no ring on her finger or boyfriend. Just a fantasy. Maybe that is good enough. I'm not even sure how she expects to meet her husband to be, she just knows he is out there floating along and one day, BAM there it is.

Maybe I should start writing letters to my HTB, there are chicks my age looking for their second husbands to be. This whole idea about writing a letter to a future anything makes me jealous of her hope and angry at the man who will come along. My letters would not be as friendly and loving. (No this is not why I am single.) I will write a quick letter, tell me what you think.

Dear Asshole, oh excuse me I mean HTB,

Today is Tuesday and I have been doing quite a lot of thinking about you today, well maybe not exactly about you but about the men who could be you, were you in my mind for a period of time or would like to be you. Most of them do not fit the bill. In thinking about these not quite husband material men I get pissed at you. What the fuck is taking so long? I'm getting bored along with extremely sexually frustrated. I feel as though I have met all of the men needed to make an informed decision. Knowing what I imagine I know of you, you have met more than enough women to make a well informed decision as well. I repeat, more than enough.

I suspect you have been spending the last few months traipsing around with a few different girls, leading them on. Making them feel like they might have a shot at what you will in the end offer me. Why would you do that? You are wasting more than just your own time, but theirs and mine....something I do not appreciate.

If I *knew* that our future was set in stone I might not sound so much like a bitch, however you have decided to play the bachelor for as long as possible, forcing me to deny kisses from frogs that I KNOW aren't princes. I would say nice and wonderful things about you and our relationship but I don't know you or if I do I'm not currently seeing a future with you. I could talk about how nice it will be once we are together to take a trip to the mountains and stay in a cheesy ass cabin while it snows outside. No is not an option when it comes to candles, a fire and bubbles in the hot tub. Of course this weekend would be one big fuck fest but at least pretend to indulge my romantic side. I know it seems like a crazy idea to want to give into my silly whims but trust me, one day you will realize my happiness does mean a lot to you. Just stop being a stubborn prick.

Most likely you will blame our lack of a connection on me. Always. Any way to not have to take responsibility for making me wait and spend time with these jokers. I will forgive you since I'm sure something about you does something more than just make between my legs tingle. Maybe it is your eyes, smile or both. Shit if it's both I'm doomed, I will not be able to resist you.

So just stop doing some young thing who looks good with air between the ears and come home. The chihuahuas do better with a man around and again, if I don't get laid I might implode. Do you want to be the cause of my death?

Hope you hurry the fuck up,

Semi-Reformed Bad Girl

Yeah, it's like that.

Give Me a Spark

I am not feeling the spark at all. Maybe the spark is a desire for intimacy, physical and otherwise. I haven't found a man since the teacher who provided that. Mister Economics certainly is trying (the one who I only want to be friends with.) I got an invite to his house for a movie the other night. I can tell you, for the third "date" with the teacher...I jumped on the chance. This time with Econ, I passed. This should say something. I can't rally the spark that just isn't there.

I have a confession. My crush is on a law student friend I have had a while. Ugh. I swear, he....yum. I really like him. It's bad. Not long ago he tried to get me to confess my crush and in the process confessed his for me. I have no clue what he means when he says he has a crush, we are too old to be using those terms! I know it includes a sexual crush but I can't tell if there is a hint of anything else. He has become increasingly flirty and a little different. I suspect he is seeing someone (he indicated the possibility a few month ago) but he hasn't confirmed and I like to live in a fantasy land so I think I will not ask. This crush is abnormal but I so do not care. I think he might be the man of my dreams. I just found the spark, it is with the law student. I'm fucked.