My Philosopher

My ex is an interesting kind of guy. Smart and attractive....however he also is closed off with an interest strictly in Philosophy. Life in general doesn't hold much interest to him, a relationship is different in his eyes as it comes after Philosophy. On the outside he seems like a straight up asshole, caring only about himself and making it very difficult to have a relationship with, especially being the type of woman I am where I need attention, affection and someone who is clearly devoted to me even though he has a life of his own. The ex does not have the ability to give me what I need out of a relationship, I don't want to give him an out or some excuse for the way he's acted in the past but he doesn't think quite like the rest of us. What attracted me to him in the first place I believe was ultimately the undoing of our relationship.

I love him. Very much. Our connection is special, unlike anything I've ever experienced. I still frequently picture our children. I'm sure he does as well...they would be beautiful, smart, wonderful people....as creepy as that sounds. ha! This man is the one who made me want to change my "bad girl" ways.

It will never work no matter how hard I try. There are probably women who are able to have a distant partner but I am not one of them and he will never be able to be the man I need.

He sent me a text last night, "I was looking forward to your visit." (I was supposed to go "home" in two weeks. I moved in April to be with my family and haven't been back since.) I'm not overly emotional but I know what these words mean coming from him. This is his way of saying, I wanted to see you and I have missed you. It almost made me cry. I know he hasn't seen anyone since we split..close to a year ago. I know he feels that if he will ever marry, it will probably be to me. I'm torn.

Family and friends will say "He's not the one for you." Yeah, I get it but he will always hold a special place in my heart. I often wonder if there is another connection like this out there for me or if I will just end up with someone who adores me, is the affectionate, attentive man I know I need.

In a relationship can we have it all? Do people end up settling for what they know they can live with? I feel like so many couples I know seem to have settled. Maybe it is outsiders perspective. I want passion and stability. I just don't know if those two things go together.